ARIES (March 21-April 19): Do you get aroused from squeezing balloons until they explode? Do you quiver with delight as you watch popcorn pop? Have you ever been patient enough to stand in front of a ripe flower bud for hours to witness its slow explosion into full opening? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’re in for an orgasmically pleasing week, Aries.

Our president had a ball in China, from that awkward, lower-back slap when the volleyball player wanted a pat on the butt to “raising the roof” of Beijing National Stadium. He was living it up in the Big Red, but it wasn’t all great “Daily Show” clips; there was also a serious side to his visit.

Hundreds of dead fish have turned up in a lakebed on Koger Boule vard in southwest Greensboro. The lake has been draining for about a week, said Dan Essary, a field supervi sor with Guilford County Animal Control, who added that someone evidently opened the drain to release the water.

I’m not too proud to predict that the Food Not Bombs network, founded in Cambridge, Mass. in the early 1980s, will be remembered as a seminal piece of our national historical fabric and an example of American-style anarchism.

But my purpose in doing so is to describe favorable scenarios that you can use your willpower to manifest. Right now, for instance, I won’t prophesy, “You may soon be blessed with a valuable new resource.

Dear Mexican: I’m an illegal alien. Got here on a tourist visa and stayed for a job. My gabacho employer knows about it and doesn’t give a crap. I don’t apologize about it, as ever since I can remember, the USA has meddled around other countries’ business like it owns the world.

Look, I’m 29-years-old and enough of a feminist to know that “girl” is not the proper label to affix to a professional embarking on the next stage of her ca reer — in Las Vegas, baby! But I’m playing the needy card here.

Welcome to the YES! Weekly Pop Quiz, where we ask politicians and public servants about their jobs. This week, we investigate how well Winston-Salem city councilors and Forsyth County commissioners prepare for meetings. The rules are simple: The officials must answer immediately — no research and no callbacks.

It was pretty hard to miss the promotion of this show, especially if you live in the Triangle. Cats Cradle (www.catscradle.com) posted a contest for fans to go all out and create their own fancy poster to advertise for the Old Ceremony (www. myspace.com/theoldceremony, www.

ReynoldsAmerican announced plans to eliminate about 570 jobs at its Winston-Salem headquarters and area facilities on Sept. 9. The tobacco company also said it would focus on Camel and Pall Mall as its growth brands while relegating its Kool cigarettes as a support brand.